“Peaceful holidays” with kids almost sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? We may want peaceful holidays, but holidays have a well-founded reputation for being chaotic. And if we’re spending any time with our family of origin, we may even call them stressful.
What can we do, then, to bring a little Peace on Earth right back to our holiday experience? Is it even possible?
Indeed it is, but it’s going to require three important shifts that only we can control.
In good news, they’re life skills that we can amplify year-round to make the entire process easier. And not one of them requires that you hide your head in the sand on secluded beaches (although that’s not a bad Plan B).
Short of a visit to paradise, here are three ways to feel peaceful this holiday season and throughout the year.
Three keys to peaceful holidays with kids
- Proactively set boundaries.
- Stop people pleasing.
- Increase the kindness quotient.
I’ll unpack each of these in detail below.
Proactively set boundaries
Time is your most valuable resource. You can spend it wildly rushing from one activity to another (child’s holiday pageant! family event! cookie exchange! rinse and repeat!), or you can choose to be present during scheduled downtime.
Perhaps you decide, arbitrarily or not, that you need three nights per week where your life is quiet. Not just catch-up-on-all-the-stuff quiet, but actually quiet.
What’s your magic number that feels peaceful? Whatever yours is, set that boundary with your children’s input–with respect to their individual nervous systems and sensory needs–and guard it vigilantly.
That means that if another great activity comes up that encroaches on your scheduled nights of quiet time, you get to decide whether to swap it for something else you scheduled, or decline the invitation.
You’re honoring your own boundaries–the sanctity of your family’s mental health–when you do this. While modeling self-care for your kids, you’re also living it for the benefits you’ll reap.
Stop people pleasing
Similar to boundaries in some ways, you get to check in with yourself to see if what’s being asked of you feels peaceful to your nervous system.
Holidays are fraught with obligations (are the presents bought? wrapped? are the groceries here? do we have enough chairs? what’s happening tomorrow night again?), but if something is supposed to be fun and actually isn’t, you get to opt out.
If you have a sense that you’re complying to “keep the peace” but you actually don’t feel peaceful within you, you will not enjoy peaceful holidays.
Exploring what actually brings you joy isn’t selfish. To the contrary, one of the best places to find inner peace is when you’re surrounded not by obligations, but by the relaxation that comes from your personal sense of emotional comfort.
When you live this way, you’re a more peaceful parent. A better friend. A gentler co-parent or partner. Everyone around you benefits.
Limit visitors if you need to. Your kids will thank you for the downtime (they want peaceful holidays every bit as much as you do).
Increase the kindness quotient
Now that you’ve determined what your boundaries are, and explored what you need to feel peaceful, and confirmed that your “yeses” are actually yeses, the last step is to merge these and invest some of your time helping others.
Indeed, helping others can lower your stress. It can also improve your mood, self-esteem, and overall happiness (source).
The balance is helping others within the time you’ve allotted for activity (not the time you’ve committed to relaxing), and helping others in ways that feel genuinely good to you. In other words, you help others in ways that you sincerely want to, instead of what you feel roped into doing.
This may look like volunteering. Perhaps you’re a “Santa” for someone in need. Perhaps you choose to perform random acts of kindness at regular intervals. Whatever you choose, big or small, you’re putting your heart out there in service to others.
Where do you find the time for this? Isn’t it just one more thing to add to the chaotic holiday season?
Interestingly, when we’ve respected our own boundaries, and when we’re saying “yes” to our nervous system, this is the perfect place to locate downright enthusiasm for helping others.
You’ll do it because you’ve spent time exploring what really matters to you and your children. Involve the kids in the decision-making process about where you’ll spend your time, and watch their faces light up when they learn how good it feels to serve with an authentically cheerful heart.
Peaceful holidays start within.
Having deep feelings of peace has never been about the “stuff,” has it? Prioritize relaxing with your children. Walk through your town and notice its lights displays; stroll through your neighborhood and witness the beauty that surrounds you.
You don’t need breathtaking views or a beach on an island for this. The world wants you to show up just as you are, experiencing it rather than rushing through it. Peaceful holidays start on the “island” that is wherever your most precious loved ones reside.
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Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She’s a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Based in Colorado, Sarah and her family spend much of their time worldschooling. She speaks French and eats Italian food like a pro!) Her heart’s desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
