’Tis the Season of Perpetual Disappointment? How to (REALLY) Have Yourself a Merry Little…Whatever This Year.
Jill Palmquist says we can replace our “tradition” of feeling letdown with authentic joy. The key is to let go of the “shoulds,” make some mind shifts, and bask in everyday awe.
CHANHASSEN, MN (December 2024)—It’s just so human to build up the holidays in our minds—and then feel bad if (okay, when) they don’t live up to our expectations. We stress out trying to make things perfect. Then our kids unleash their inner brats, the turkey dries out, and “that” uncle kills the mood with yet another political tirade. This doesn’t have to be the season of perpetual disappointment, says Life Time Vice President and Chief Storyteller Jill Palmquist.
“The best gift you can give yourself is authentic joy, which doesn’t depend on things going ‘right,’” says Palmquist, author of In This Lifetime (Wise Ink, September 2024, ISBN: 978-1-63489-689-4, $105.00). “It depends on our realizing that just being here, alive, in these amazing bodies, and with these people we love, despite it all, is a miracle.”
I.E., stop expecting. Start paying attention. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself and bask in those moments of everyday awe that come with the holidays. The smells of cinnamon and pine and gravy on the stove. The shrieks of laughter (however earsplitting) with which toddlers announce their presence. How it feels when your grandma’s wrinkled hands clasp your own.
“We do deserve joy this time of year,” says Palmquist. “Humans need intentional time to unwind, rejoice, be thankful, and connect with loved ones. The holidays do a lovely job of filling this need, provided they aren’t torpedoed with too-high expectations or interpersonal drama.”
So, what to do when it all goes south? Make a mental shift toward appreciation, presence, and joy, says Palmquist. Her book is a distilled master class in intentionally choosing these mindsets. In This Lifetime is filled with breathtaking photographs, thought-provoking essays, proverbs, parables, conversation starters, and distilled snippets of life wisdom.
Here are some of the unhealthy expectations and mindsets holding us all back this time of year—and how you might shift your perspective on them.
THE SHOULD: “More is better.”
THE SHIFT: The moment is enough. It’s tempting to go overboard by buying too many gifts and putting too much pressure on yourself to “deck the halls.” Skip the stress and keep things simple. Less (not more) is better because it builds in time to just “be” and to notice the exquisite little moments that make life so magical. Like the way the candlelight bounces off the “good” holiday dishes. Or seeing your adult child smile at his partner from across the room. Or the first bite of your great aunt’s famous bourbon chocolate pecan pie.
THE SHOULD: “I have to make things perfect.”
THE SHIFT: The ordinary things already are. Of course we’ll never get it perfect. We ourselves are gloriously imperfect. Let the holidays reflect this (actually, pretty awesome) truth. Let the house be messy. Do only what you can do to decorate and prepare for company without compromising your mental health. Look for beauty in the ordinary.
“The simplest things are the very best,” says Palmquist. “This recipe from In This Lifetime proves all you really need to make the season pretty darn close to perfect is a few basic ingredients: One warm kitchen; blend in an ordinary morning with the sun sneaking in the window. Combine your favorite people and stir in a generous portion of gratitude. Mix best memories of a mom’s kiss and grandpa’s stories. Add contentment. Cook ’til done.”
THE SHOULD: “I should be more selfless. Aren’t the holidays about giving?”
THE SHIFT: I deserve to find my bliss. Actually, self-care means allowing yourself permission to do what you want to do (and say no to what you don’t want to do). Respect yourself. Find that thing. That thing you can’t wait to do. That thing that has you jumping out of bed in the morning. Maybe that’s setting out your miniature (but perfectly built to scale) holiday village complete with fake snow and light-up décor…to the chagrin of your whole family. Maybe it’s practicing self-care by going to the gym.
“This is the time of year when you need to do whatever it takes to fill your cup, even if that means you’re filling it with a triple shot of espresso with gingerbread caramel syrup and crushed candy cane sprinkles on top,” says Palmquist. “You do you, and don’t be sorry for it.”
THE SHOULD: “I didn’t get what I wanted for Christmas.”
THE SHIFT: I’m here to live and learn; I’ve already “got it all.”
It’s all too normal to get wrapped up (so to speak) in desires for gifts. But the next time you don’t get what you wished for, remember: Actually, you got something better. You’re here. You’ve arrived in a body. A body that’s the result of countless intersecting factors coming together in one extraordinarily complex, brilliantly designed, synergetic organism. (Do you have any idea what a miracle you are?)
“Material presents are really nice, but they don’t come close to touching the heart of the human experience,” says Palmquist. “There’s something divine about all we get to do in this lifetime. That’s far better than any overpriced trinket or gadget.”
THE SHOULD: “My family must act a certain way, or everything will be ruined.”
THE SHIFT: I am in charge of my behavior (and nobody else’s).
Okay, real talk: People rarely behave the way you want them to. They get in moods. They say inappropriate things or pick a fight over dinner. Peace comes when you realize that you’re responsible only for how you act. Speak your truth and protect your mental well-being but let go of the need to change others or prove them wrong.
“Life simply goes by too fast to get hung up on our loved ones’ imperfections and foibles,” says Palmquist. “We are all so fragile, and life is so brief and uncertain. Be extra generous by giving everyone you love more grace than they (perhaps) deserve. Often, practicing this very philosophy helps to dissolve the conflicts, triggers, and scenes that proliferate drama.”
THE SHOULD: “I’m expected to show up for family obligations (but I would prefer to skip them).”
THE SHIFT: Do the things you love. You actually don’t have to do the “customary” family togetherness thing if you don’t want to. It’s perfectly okay to spend time with your “chosen” family—your tribe—instead. Maybe what would really make you happy is a trip to Morocco or Fiji with a dear friend. Go ahead and spend the holidays doing what really feeds your soul—or if it’s too late this year, get started now laying the groundwork for an epic trip next year.
“You’ve got all the power this Christmas to make a holiday you’ll never forget,” concludes Palmquist. “Savor these moments and realize that not only do they come only once a year, but that we have only so many seasons left to go. There’s no time for disappointment when wonder and awe await us around every corner.”
About the Author:
Jill Palmquist is Life Time vice president and chief storyteller and the author of In This Lifetime, a coffee table book that celebrates the beauty and reminds us of the brevity of the human experience. A graduate of the University of Minnesota School of Journalism, she worked as an agency copywriter. With the birth of her daughter, she took a leap to go freelance, working on a variety of fun brands for a variety of fun companies, including luxury leisure and lifestyle company Life Time. While never pretending to understand the founder’s brilliant brain, she did understand his heart and realized her desire to help people see the magnificence of their lives was completely aligned with his. Both her love of the company and responsibilities grew, proving what they say is true: time flies when you’re having fun. (That baby girl is now 23 years old.) While happy with all the work she’s done for the company, it’s true fulfillment she feels in contributing to the brand’s recent transformation.
About the Book:
In This Lifetime (Wise Ink, September 2024, ISBN: 978-1-63489-689-4, $105.00) is available from Life Time, Inc.
About Life Time:
Life Time (NYSE: LTH) empowers people to live healthy, happy lives through its portfolio of more than 170 athletic country clubs across the United States and Canada. The health and wellness pioneer also delivers a range of healthy-way-of-life programs and information via its complimentary Life Time Digital app. The company’s healthy living, healthy aging, healthy entertainment communities and ecosystem serve people 90 days to 90+ years old and is supported by a team of more than 45,000 dedicated professionals. In addition to delivering the best programs and experiences through its clubs, Life Time owns and produces nearly 30 of the most iconic athletic events in the Country.
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
