The Core of Parenting: Instilling Values For Holistic Development
The primary purpose of parenting is to boost fully functional adults who can look out of themselves and make a positive contribution to society. Generally speaking, this should be accomplished by eighteen. After this age, parents have less verbal influence but can still be a positive model through actions, not words.
According to Erik Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development, the sixth stage, Intimacy vs. Isolation, does not begin until after eighteen. When an adult breaks away their family and peers, they will then form a healthy attachment to a different person.
Here are some examples of a fully functional adult. This list isn’t meant to be inclusive or exclusive; rather it’s a springboard for discussion.
Value of hard work. There are many ways hard work can be taught: sports, drama, school, music, chores, and part-time employment are a few examples. The important lesson is that talent will only take a person so far; dedication, devotion, and determination will take them farther. It takes perseverance to struggle through the difficulties of a task to its successful completion. The work, however, must be done by the child and not the parent in order to gain the full benefit.
Get along with others. This lesson is usually taught in kindergarten but is forgotten within the tween years. As teens, they have a tendency to segregate into like groups: nerds, jocks, artsy, drama, academics, and other categories. This concept is useful within the development of peer identity but can create a distaste for those outside their group. This essential element is best taught through modeling. Children who understand that the family budget has been spent and there’s no extra money between now and therefore the next pay cycle will have a neater time adjusting to their working adult life. Some parents want to spare their children from knowing just how tight things are or what proportion things cost. Sometimes, the result’s a passive-aggressive approach to work/budget where they might rather not do anything in the least then need to live without.
Good home economics. It is a shame that the majority of schools not teach the fundamentals of excellent home ec. Rather, the instruction is left to oldsters who may or might not have healthy habits. By the time a toddler reaches high school, they ought to be doing their own laundry, cleaning the toilet, making their own meals, creating a diet, learning after themselves, contributing to household chores, ironing their clothes, ready to sew on a button, capable of minor repairs, skilled in auto care, purchasing their clothing, and living within a budget. Those who aren’t taught these lessons tend to retreat home to be taken care of by a parent.
Positive self-care. Most children will experience a minimum of one major crisis, trauma, abuse, death, or accident during their childhood. How these incidents are handled by the parent greatly determines the teachings the kid learns about intense emotions like anger, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and inferiority. Positive self-care teaches toddler proper management and coping skills for handling difficulties in life. For instance, parents who model the power to urge angry without reacting poorly teach the kid proper care. This is not about denying emotions, thoughts, or events; rather, it’s a few successful expression without harm to self or others.
Set and achieve goals. A good practice at the beginning of the school year is to encourage children to set a personal goal for the upcoming year. Parents should not be the ones to set the goal. A child who achieves a goal they set for themselves receives a much greater satisfaction than those who achieve goals set by others. Parents can, however, assist the kid is breaking down the goal from a year to monthly steps then to daily actions. This reinforces the concept that goals are only accomplished one small step at a time.
Strong ethical values. This is not about memorizing a bunch of rules or values. It is about understanding the importance of ethics in every aspect of life. There are ethics at college (no cheating), at a store (no stealing), reception (no lying), and during a neighborhood (no destruction of property). For each of these basic values, a child should be instructed on why these guidelines are in place. The words, “because I said so,” are not sufficient in understanding. The lack of direction in this area creates adults who are oppositional or resistant to authority.
History of family. This is not a popular topic in our culture but is extremely helpful in establishing a sense of belonging. For every family, there are cultural or historical aspects that outline the family for the higher or the worst. Trying to “protect” a toddler from the bad aspects, disorders, or events of the genealogy doesn’t help them. Explaining that divorce, a heart condition, depression, addiction, or a mental disorder runs within the family can actually provide relief to a toddler who might already be experiencing the first warning signs. Of course, the positive aspect of a family is equally important like courage, faith, determination, perseverance, commitment, loyalty, and professions/talents specific to the family.
When parents strive to show their child these ten items, the kid develops a healthy perspective of their world, themselves within the world, and their family.
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
