The following is an excerpt from 13: One Woman’s Sacred Journey to Discovering Her Greatest Power By Nikól Rogers (Zenred / November 2, 2023 / $13.99).
“SO, THE FIRST STEP is to divide the bank accounts.” I literally feel as if my whole body is tearing apart. I ask to go to the bathroom, and as soon as I’m inside, I stuff tissues in my mouth to keep from screaming.
This was all my idea.
I spoke with a divorce lawyer, and when she heard the situation, she recommended mediation. “This is pretty straightforward, and if he’s willing, it will be the least expensive and also most humane way of ending things.”
No courts.
No allegations.
Just the two of us working with a mediation team, sitting across from each other and negotiating how to move forward.
I sounded so calm when I spoke to the mediation lawyers, set up the appointment, and convinced my husband.
And yet, this was probably the worst experience of my life.
I felt like I was sitting across from a stranger. And not a tear from his eyes. Just me, excusing myself again and again to have another breakdown in the bathroom as we went through the process.
Here I was, again taking control in the marriage, and how ironic, in our divorce. Even though he didn’t want to save the marriage, apparently he didn’t want to put any energy into ending it either. It was excruciating.
I was the driver in my own heartbreak.
Sitting back down with a pile of tissues in front of me, the two lawyers look at me with compassionate eyes and ask if it is all right to continue.
My husband is not even making eye contact with me. He’s just holding his pen and staring at the yellow legal pad in front of him.
“Yes,” I meekly whisper.
I’m taking notes on what I need to do next, but my sight keeps blurring and the paper is getting soaked.
“Ok, we will reconvene in two weeks.”
My husband and I haven’t been living together for weeks. I’ve been staying at our apartment, and he is staying at a mutual friend’s.
My mother flew out very quickly in January and just held me over the weekend. We were both trying to make sense of what was happening.
We were both still in love with him.
Now, in February, she was returning to help me divide everything up, to make an inventory that I could take to the next mediation and create an agreement.
An agreement that I literally didn’t want. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want to sell our apartment. I didn’t want to divide up our things. I didn’t want to end our marriage.
I was not in agreement, and yet I was the driving force in creating it.
When I began to totally unload all of my pain in therapy, my therapist took one look at me and said, “Wow. You must be exhausted.” And it was as if I had never realized how much I was the go-getter in the marriage. How much I was the cheerleader, and most of all, how no matter the depth or enthusiasm I would express in his ability and talents, he never believed in himself.
One partner with a growth mindset, and one partner who is passive aggressive. Not a great match. Probably the only way we stayed married so long was because we spent so much time apart. Apparently, the fact that I grew up in a military home and moved every 1-3 years put me in the perfect position to create a long-distance relationship. I had become so used to adapting to my environment that I had no idea what true stability felt like.
Jon and I had made the decision that we would never be apart from each other for more than 3–5 weeks, but last year with both of us working non-stop at different theaters, we broke our rule over and over. Our marriage consisted of more time apart than together.
My therapist said, “If you’d had day-to-day life together, this would have happened much sooner.”
Oh. . . I think she’s right. Now, I actually had an incredible amount of resentment and anger coming to the surface that had been lurking underneath. I found my days to be a constant see-saw of seething anger towards him for destroying everything and complete panic that I couldn’t stop the momentum of everything going up in smoke.
My safety and security were gone. I felt terrified. I wanted to have a family and had just spent 19 years with a man who I thought wanted to have one too. So, here I stood in my late 30s looking at having to start all over again.
Oh God. . . why didn’t I leave sooner?
Why did I hang on so tight?
When the doorbell rings, my mother, fresh from the airport, takes one look at me, and we silently weep in a deep embrace.
“Ok,” she says, rolling up her sleeves. “Let’s go to work.” And then I watch my mother start to take everything out of the kitchen cabinets. Every dish that she had actually organized and set up when we moved in here 8 years ago and became homeowners for the first time.
The whole family had come to make it happen: parents, aunts and uncles and cousins. My mother-in-law made her famous chicken corn soup, my mother made her delicious chocolate chip cookies, and everyone gathered to celebrate us actually buying a co-op. Renters to homeowners, a building with a washing machine, an actual elevator, and a very small second bedroom that would be our office, but we knew we could easily convert it to a baby’s room. While loading all our boxes from Astoria to Jackson Heights, we laughed and shared in the communal cheering to a bright future.
We shared as a family.
Seeing the ghosts of that homecoming party still standing in the kitchen, my mother takes dish after dish out that she actually bought us; dishes she helped scoop food onto as she laughed with my husband by the countertops, sharing her favorite techniques. Cook to cook, mother to son.
I’m not just losing him. I’m losing a family.
We both are.
I grab a legal pad and follow her, right into the middle of the ghosts.
Is a speaker, writer, and empowerment coach who helps people reclaim their confidence, expand their perfect audience, and bring their fearless vision to life.
She has taught her ZenRed Method globally, which teaches you how to re-frame how you think, feel, and act from a place of power, rather than from fear or limiting beliefs. This has helped her clients become more confident versions of themselves and in alignment with their true purpose through her signature course, Powerful Presence. With a 20-year professional performance career that includes kicking eye high as a Rockette, Nikól has stood on countless stages.
Her work is greatly influenced by her Zen practice, Qi Gong, Nonviolent Communication, and her decades of experience as an Artist. Nikól teaches that the heart of transformation lies in discovering who you are. It is this journey that unlocks a person’s greatest power and allows you to manifest a life you love. Her clients and students have published books, sold out events and concerts, created Solo shows, spoken on large stages, and created award winning businesses that feed and nourish them. Nikól lives in New Jersey with her life partner and family, and can be found regularly holding binoculars, standing in nature, and fawning over birds. 13: One Woman’s Sacred Journey to Discovering Her Greatest Power (Zenred / November 2, 2023 / $13.99).
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
