I Finally Get to Hold My Baby
Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/oB0xbLwcaMw
I wanted to be a mom so badly. Some mothers are made and some grow to be moms. When I was a kid, I didn’t want to be a princess or an explorer. I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t play tea sets for friends, I made them for my imaginary kids. All my teddy bears and soft toys had names and I was Mama. Becoming a real-life mother turned out to be more difficult than I could possibly imagine. I went through four miscarriages, before I ended up where I am as I write this: as the proud mother of a baby boy.
I had four pregnancies but this is only my first baby. If that sounds traumatic, it was. My husband and I had been trying for the last four years. It was not an infertility issue. It was just that I could not keep my babies inside long enough to have them come out on their own. When it happened the first time, I was an emotional and physical mess. I felt guilty, like it was all my fault that the miscarriage happened.
The Misses and the Guilt
No one knows why miscarriages really happened, not even the doctors. There were so many reasons why it can happen — none of which applied in my case. I blamed myself, my body and tried to find every reason possible so I could at least make it right when we tried again. There was no doubt that we would try again. My husband was very supportive and bless the man, he has been so patient and understanding. I know my state of mind and self would have been much worse if he had not been here for me. Those were dark days where I fell into a depression — which actually made the re-trying worse.
The Courage to Make it Real
After the first miscarriage, I refused to give up hope. Being a mom had been the dream of a lifetime for me and I was not going to give up so easily. I have to confess though, when it happened a second time, and then a third, I died a little inside each time. When I became pregnant the fourth time, I was determined not to have another miscarriage. At 34, age was also catching up and sometimes, I felt like I got weaker with each miscarriage. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed. I went online and read everything I could read to stay strong and healthy emotionally, psychologically and physically for my baby to be born. I started walking regularly and became more conscious of what I was putting into my body. I started visualizations for my baby to be whole and healthy in my arms. I was determined to see it a as reality, fuelled by a secret fear that I was not sure I could take another miscarriage.
After my miscarriages, I had been afraid to take and keep the ultrasound photographs. I buried the photos in the garden in the little plots with the names we had chosen for them. I never even saw their faces. This time, aligning myself with the vision for a child to be born, I decided to get an ultrasound (Read more about it here). I want to see my child’s face. Nothing was going to stop my family from growing. I was going to log everything from the very beginning so we would have all the memories to look back at one day and my child would know how loved and wanted they are.
Unlike the second and third pregnancies, where, looking back, I realized I was going through the motions and carrying a lot of emotional baggage from the first miscarriage. I was tired of all the fear and the anxiety that started with the pregnancies. This time, I was determined to keep it altogether for the family that I want. I was going to keep the faith. I did not want to fall into depression again. I also did not want to fail one more time.
Long Awaited Success
After a cesarean, my son was born on 28 September 2021, healthy and whole. We decided on a C-section because it seemed like the least complicated and fastest way for me to finally be able to hold my baby in my arms. In the middle of the coronavirus pandemic, he is a beacon of hope and light for my family. To all the women out there who are struggling with infertility issues or becoming a mom, please stay strong and don’t give up on your dream. It is hard, but good things don’t always come easy. The reward is definitely worth it. It is too early to think about another baby, but I have been so encouraged by this success that I cannot help but nurse that thought in my heart.
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
