No one gets married with the notion that it will one day come to an end. In fact, most vow to be together until death. So, when your marriage is over, it can come as a shock. Whether the split was unexpected, amicable, or the result of a toxic relationship, the emotional overwhelm is like nothing you’ve ever experienced.
Life as you once knew it is gone and the dynamics of your family are forever changed. You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions as you get through the next few weeks, months, and even years. Knowing what to expect and how to cope is essentially the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.
Denial
In the beginning, your mind doesn’t want to believe what is happening. You simply cannot believe that your relationship is over. In your head, you’re doing everything you can to try and find some way to fix things. You may even try to do or say things to convince your spouse to change their mind.
Denial is simply your psyche’s way of blocking you from facing reality. Though this may be a tool that can be used initially to prevent you from breaking down from emotional overwhelm being in denial for too long is unhealthy.
Anger
After a while, the anger will set in. As you try to navigate all the changes going on in your life and manage the emotions of your children you become enraged with your ex. You’ll find yourself thinking things like, “Why did this have to happen? Everything is falling to pieces because of them!” You might even call or visit your ex and lash out at them directly.
While it is important to allow yourself to go through these emotions, be careful with anger. If it gets intense enough, it could cause you to say or do things you can’t take back. You should also never express anger or frustration for your ex-spouse in front of your children as this creates an uncomfortable environment for them.
Try finding safe ways to release your anger. Punch some pillows, break a few glasses (with safety goggles in a secure location), go to a boxing gym, or go somewhere quiet and just scream at the top of your lungs.
Bargaining
It is at this time that you feel as if you can’t take any more emotional upset. You will do or say whatever you have to in order to resolve the matter and put back the pieces of your relationship. This is especially true if you weren’t the one who wanted to end the relationship. Essentially, this is your last-ditch attempt to make things right. For some couples, reconciliation may occur. However, in most instances, one person is left begging while the other keeps running the other direction.
Again, you’re going to go through these emotional stages of divorce, but the bargaining stage can be dangerous. Sometimes the end of the relationship was for the best and trying to get back with someone who is unhealthy for you and your children aren’t going to make things any better. Not to mention, if you allow your attempts of getting them back to get out of hand, you could end up in legal trouble.
As hard as it may be not to reach out and try to go back, try to remind yourself of why you left or why the relationship wasn’t healthy in the first place.
Depression or Deep Sadness
At this point, you realize your marriage is over and there is nothing you can do to get it back. You then become fearful of the future for you and your family and become sad by it all. Essentially, the adrenaline has worn off and all of your emotions are rushing at you at once. Suddenly, you’re not eating, not getting much sleep, you don’t want to go anywhere, and you feel hopeless or extremely sad.
Given the circumstances, it is okay to feel sad about the loss of your relationship. However, if it goes on for too long, you may want to get mental health help as depression can be a debilitating illness that impacts you and your family.
No matter who you are or what your reasons were for filing for divorce you will go through each of these emotional stages of divorce. It may take you a while to overcome certain stages while others you’ll only experience momentarily. The good news is, however, that after going through this emotional rollercoaster there is the stage of letting go and accepting your new reality.
