Article brought to use by Rehab Bali website
The subtle behaviors that signal your child is sacrificing their own needs to please others
Key Points:
- Mental health expert shares seven warning signs that indicate a child is developing unhealthy people-pleasing tendencies
- Smith explains behaviors like excessive apologizing and emotional suppression are key indicators parents should monitor
- Expert reveals these patterns often stem from parenting styles and can lead to anxiety, depression, and relationship difficulties in adulthood
Children naturally want to make their parents and teachers happy, but when does this normal desire cross into concerning territory? According to mental health specialists, the line between healthy eagerness to please and problematic people-pleasing behavior can be subtle but significant.
“What many parents miss is that seemingly ‘good’ behavior—like a child who never causes trouble—might actually signal a deeper issue,” explains Howard Smith, a mental health expert and the founder of Rehab Bali, a world-class addiction and mental health treatment center providing compassionate care in a tropical setting.
Smith has observed countless adults struggling with the long-term effects of people-pleasing habits that began in childhood. Below, he shares the key warning signs parents should watch for and explains why catching these patterns early is vital for healthy development.
7 Signs Indicating People-Pleasing Tendencies
1. Excessive Apologizing
Does your child say “sorry” for things that aren’t their fault? Children who apologize constantly—for asking questions, taking up space, or expressing needs—may be developing an unhealthy belief that their existence itself is somehow burdensome to others.
“When a child apologizes for basic needs or normal emotions, it signals they’re learning to prioritize others’ comfort above their own wellbeing,” says Smith. “This pattern can continue into adulthood, creating relationships where they never feel worthy of taking up space.”
2. Difficulty Making Simple Decisions
Children developing people-pleasing tendencies often freeze when asked what they want—whether it’s choosing a meal, activity, or even a toy. They may respond with “I don’t mind” or “Whatever you want” because they’re afraid of making the ‘wrong’ choice.
“This hesitation comes from a fear that their preferences might disappoint others,” Smith explains. “Over time, this disconnects them from understanding their own desires and needs.”
3. Emotional Suppression
People-pleasing children often hide negative emotions, particularly anger or disappointment. They might smile or agree while visibly upset, or retreat to private spaces before expressing emotions.
“When children believe certain emotions are unacceptable, they develop what we call a ‘false self’—a persona that shows only what they think others want to see. This creates tremendous internal pressure and confusion about identity.”
4. Perfectionism and Fear of Failure
A child who becomes disproportionately upset over small mistakes or refuses to try new activities unless they can do them perfectly may be showing signs of unhealthy people-pleasing.
“Behind perfectionism is often a belief that their value depends on performance,” says Smith. “These children aren’t motivated by growth but by avoiding disapproval, which can severely limit their development.”
5. Taking Responsibility for Others’ Feelings
Does your child try to fix situations when adults are upset, even when it has nothing to do with them? Children who believe they’re responsible for managing others’ emotions often develop hypervigilance—constantly scanning environments for emotional cues.
“This hyperawareness comes at the cost of their own emotional experience. They’re so busy monitoring and adjusting to others that they never learn to process their own feelings appropriately.”
6. Reluctance to Ask for Help
People-pleasing children often struggle silently rather than request assistance. They may sit with a difficult homework problem for hours or handle uncomfortable situations alone because they view needing help as imposing on others.
“This reluctance stems from the misguided belief that independence means never being a burden. Unfortunately, this prevents them from developing healthy interdependence—the foundation of all successful relationships.”
7. Seeking Excessive Validation
While all children want praise, those with people-pleasing tendencies seek constant reassurance about their worth. They may repeatedly ask if you’re angry with them or if they’ve done something right, even when there’s no reason for concern.
“This constant need for external validation reveals an inability to self-validate,” Smith notes. “Without intervention, these children grow into adults who can’t determine their own worth without others’ approval.”
Why Children Develop People-Pleasing Behaviors
The roots of people-pleasing tendencies often trace back to early childhood experiences and parenting approaches. Smith explains that children are remarkably perceptive and quickly learn what behaviors earn love, attention, and safety.
“Children developing these patterns have typically received the message—whether explicitly or implicitly—that their worth is conditional,” Smith explains. “This might happen in homes with unpredictable emotional environments, where children learn to monitor moods and adjust accordingly.”
Common contributing factors include:
Inconsistent parenting: When discipline, affection, or attention fluctuate based on a parent’s mood rather than a child’s behavior, children learn to become emotional caretakers.
Praise focused solely on achievement: When children receive recognition only for accomplishments rather than effort or character, they learn their value lies in what they do, not who they are.
Emotional neglect: Even in materially comfortable homes, children whose emotional needs are dismissed learn to suppress those needs to maintain connection.
“These patterns typically develop not from malice but from generational cycles,” Smith adds. “Many parents of people-pleasers were themselves raised to prioritize others’ needs above their own.”
Howard Smith, mental health expert at Rehab Bali, comments:
“The consequences of childhood people-pleasing extend far beyond mere politeness or consideration for others. At our treatment center, we regularly work with adults whose anxiety, depression, and addiction issues stem from decades of neglecting their own needs in favor of others.
“‘People-pleasers’ often struggle with poor boundaries, difficulty identifying their own desires, and a profound sense of emptiness. They often describe feeling like they’re living someone else’s life or that they don’t know who they truly are beneath the roles they play for others.
“Parents can help by validating children’s authentic emotions—even the uncomfortable ones—and creating safe spaces for children to express preferences without fear of rejection. Teaching children that their worth isn’t tied to performance or people-pleasing is perhaps one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.
“Start by modeling healthy boundary-setting yourself. Let your child see you respectfully saying ‘no’ when appropriate. Additionally, create opportunities for your child to make age-appropriate decisions, and respect those choices even when they differ from what you might prefer. Finally, praise effort and character rather than just results—this helps children understand their value exists independent of their achievements.”
About Rehab Bali
Rehab Bali is a world-class addiction and mental health treatment center, providing compassionate care in a serene, tropical setting. They have a focus on clinical excellence offering 24/7 medical support, personalised therapy, and holistic healing approaches.
The center’s intimate and exclusive environment ensures tailored recovery programs designed to empower individuals. Expert-led one-on-one psychotherapy sessions help clients regain control of their lives. Rehab Bali’s approach integrates evidence-based treatments with wellness practices for a comprehensive recovery experience.
A dedicated team of professionals provides unwavering support throughout the healing journey. To ensure lasting success, an 11-month AfterCare program is included for continued guidance and relapse prevention.
Article brought to use by Rehab Bali website
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Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
