It is Selfish to Self Care?
Do you spend your entire life trying to tick everything off on your endless to do list? Does the list ever actually get any shorter? Do you feel yourself to be in a state of constant stress and tension?
An interesting symptom of Western Culture is to feel guilty for never being productive enough.
We are programmed to do – and to see simply ‘being’ as lazy. We operate under the belief that the harder we work, the more rewards we will reap, not noticing that those rewards always seem to get further away with every step forward we take.
When a person is seen to be productive enough, others ask for more –
“If you want something done, ask a busy person”.
We con ourselves into thinking that ‘when the kids go back to school’ or ‘when we go away on that holiday’ or ‘when we retire’ we’ll relax – after all you can sleep when you’re dead right?
If you’re the type of person who is practical and efficient, tending to ‘just get on with it’, chances are that you’ll probably have more expectations of you than others.
Quite literally weeks can slip by without having spent a single moment stopping to check in with your own needs.
This constant heightened state of fight or flight increases tension and stress levels. This in turn disrupts sleep, eating habits and eventually mental and physical health. Sleep deprivation in particular interferes with the natural healing process of the body, and ultimately our immunity, making us prone to becoming unwell.
You are probably less likely to perceive yourself as needing help and rest. Isn’t it Ironic that the people who take on the most, are the least likely to be offered help (and the least likely to realise they need it).
And when we do crash and burn, how many of us feel undeserving of rest and self care and focus on rushing ourselves back to that list of things to do? Enough is enough.
Why is Self Care Important?
In a world that’s continually bombarding us with bad news and impending disasters, it’s really easy to feel increased levels of anxiety. If you’re finding watching the news or reading about the environment is making you feel stressed, then just give yourself a day off and focus on small things you can do. Sometimes all you can do is take little simple steps like changing your shampoo to a plastic free one.
The simple truth is, if you don’t replenish your energies, then you will not be able to continue giving so well.
You can’t give from an empty cup.
Replenishing your own energy gives you the tools to resume caring for others and participating in society in the way you want.
Allowing yourself the time to just stop, guilt free, and be in the moment to observe what it is you need to rebalance and find contentment is critical. We must stop chasing away the chance to do that with the next ‘I must just…’
It’s time to recognise that you truly deserve to enjoy what you’re doing and stop chasing what isn’t serving you.
But how many of us struggle to accept that our own needs are equal to those of the people we care for?
Sometimes we decide ‘I’m going to do something just for me’ and good old guilt kicks in – Sneaky thoughts that we really should be working or playing with/educating the kids, nurturing our partner, calling that friend, visiting grandparents? Or even trying to improve the world?
Instead of seeing self-care as selfish, we need to realise that self-care is a critical part of being able to improve things not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. If you can be calmer, happier and more confident, then why should we feel bad about helping ourselves be that?
What Defines Self-Care?
Self love and self care can be anything where you have actively chosen to take out time for yourself. You can do anything at all that fuels you, which relaxes you or restores you, but you must commit the time to actually doing it – without distraction.
The good news is, it doesn’t even have to take a great deal of time. Although spa weekends and yoga classes, massages and facials are amazing, you can sprinkle self care into every day even just for a few minutes at a time.
For example, what about treating yourself to a sit down coffee rather than a take away and letting yourself stare out of the window at the sky? Or going to bed earlier so you can read that book for 20 minutes instead of blankly staring at the TV? Taking a candlelit bath rather than a shower, or going for a walk and being along with your thoughts for a few minutes.
For the record, half checking your phone and half watching TV whilst you lounge on the sofa is most definitely not mindful self-care, instead it just confuses the brain into wondering whether it needs to be active or not.
How to Start Self Care
One of the very best places to start is right now! This one minute exercise will trigger your parasympathetic nervous system to relax and reset:
- Sit upright and comfortably with your feet on the ground and your hands placed gently on your knees or on your lap
- Soften your shoulders and unclench your jaw
- Notice where else you’re holding tension in your body and relax that
- Let your belly go a little and close your eyes
- Breathe deeply and slowly in through your nose and imagine that breath travelling all the way down into your belly.
- Let your belly swell with the inhale and take the breath all the way to the top into your chest
- Pause for a few seconds
- Open your mouth and gently sign that breath away, allowing your shoulders and whole body to drop into your chair
- Repeat 2 more times
There… don’t you feel better already?
Aside from this, try to start small with new habits… Even if you only have 5 minutes, you’ll see an improvement. Just make sure it’s achievable.
Key point! Don’t let anyone interfere with that time. So choose the quietest part of your day where you won’t be interrupted. Close the doors and put your phone on silent.
What you do next is up to you. Do whatever you find most relaxing.
Whether it’s baking, knitting, painting, stroking the cat, picking flowers or cloud gazing in the garden, own it and feel every moment of it with no obligation and no pressures.
If you have more time to self care, then joining clubs which are outside such as golf or rambling through nature will not only blow the cobwebs away, it will give you the mental break you need whilst improving your health. Being outside in nature is known to help reduce cortisol levels (the stress hormone) so if you can, always opt for something outdoors.
Over time, you’ll get to know others who are completely separate from your working life, who will become people that represent just time out.
Talking of working life, if you run your own business, you know all too well the pitfalls of trying to do everything. Could you outsource your marketing or Social Media to an affordable freelancer to ease your work life burden?
If you’re the cook of the house, then maybe you could give yourself a week off with a bespoke supper package brought to your doorstep. There are several premium fresh food companies who can bring a meal to your home as a treat. Imagine, a gourmet standard bespoke supper brought to your door. Heaven!
Add a Sprinkle of Luxury to Your Self Care
For those who really want to dig deep, there’s nothing like a weekend away to really boost your mental health and energy. Don’t wait for a special occasion if you can afford it – or even if you can’t, there are always discount opportunities at spa hotels online on places like groupon or wowcher.
But if you can’t get away for a serious dose of reviving pleasure ask for help. Especially if you’re a doer. And you don’t need to feel guilty!
If you’re a parent then try offering an exchange so you get to help someone else whilst helping yourself. For example, a babysitting club with friends is a brilliant way to get time out and give back to others you know are in the same boat. They can look after your children whilst you go out and then you return the favour.
Self care can totally be mutually beneficial!
As they say “You don’t find happiness, you make it” and you should always try to bear that in mind when assessing where you want to be in life.
Make it happen. Every day make a fresh commitment to look after you first, without the guilt. Once you get into the habit of recognising the symptoms of needing that time, and you start to enjoy the benefits of being YOU again, you’ll start to prioritise it.
See it as maintenance in helping you to continue giving to others. A better happier you rebounds to everyone else in your life.
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
